I’m your security door. Yes, this is sort of odd, but please stop screaming. I’m not going to eat you (no mouth, you see); I just want to catch up. How are things? Have you been taking your multivitamin?
I imagine you have a few questions, and maybe some concerns. “How are you speaking? Are you a ghost? Does this mean you know about that time I backed the car into the mailbox and blamed Cousin Jeffrey?”
Let’s not worry about those things right now. (Except for the thing with the mailbox. You’d better call Jeffrey and apologize.) Instead, I want to talk about me. Yes, me. That may strike you as vain, but I haven’t really had a chance to share my perspective with anyone, and I think I’ve waited long enough. I just feel like you don’t appreciate me like you once did, so consider this sit-down a refresher on the many benefits of putting up with me.
Plus, you owe me after you ran into me during the Runaway Scooter Incident of ‘05. Yes, I remember that, too. You were so reckless back then.
Anyway. Let’s get down to business. I’ve prepared a PowerPoint presentation for this occasion, and I’d like to show it to you now. Don’t ask how I made it.
Slide One: “I’m Keeping You Safe”
I am called a security door, after all. Look at this nice deadbolt lock and metal frame. I’m keeping that flimsy excuse you call a front door nice and not-kicked-in. Remember that time the Johnson’s had their house burgled? Those ruffians tried to come for you and that lovely Toshiba widescreen originally, but I put them in their place. And the Johnsons don’t have me to watch out for them, so they were easier pickings.
Slide Two: “I Look Good”
Look: functionality is important, but so is style. And I’m just drowning in it. You went with a nice double-door design with some cute little quail along the sides with me, and I feel great.
(Their names are Linda, Larry, Liam, Laura, and Bob, by the way. Don’t mention the name thing to Bob. He’s sensitive about it.)
Slide Three: “I’m Sturdy”
I know I gave you a hard time about the scooter thing, but I promise that I didn’t take it too seriously. I’m solidly built, and it’ll take more than a few hard knocks to take me down. No, I’m here to stay, unlike that good-for-nothing screen door you got at the Home Depot three years ago. It broke in, what, a month? Shameful.
Slide Four: “I Have Back-Up”
We’ve been through a lot together, you and I, and I’m hoping for many more years on your porch. Property values are going up, my friend, and you’ve got a nice little spot here, so I don’t see either of us going anywhere. But don’t forget: if, by some chance, I start showing some wear and tear, I’ve got a lifetime warranty to keep me fresh. I may be due for a new powdercoat soon, actually. Nothing serious, but I want to feel pretty again.
Slide Five: “I’ve Got Friends”
I was talking to the Miller’s security door last week, and they suggested you think about investing in another gate for the side yard. The more the merrier, I say, and why not shake it up a bit this time? I’m ideal, of course, but you could try something new. What about a barless design with safety glass? Pretty fancy. Or a nice single-door setup with more quail along the bars? Bob’s looking for love, I hear. It’s a win-win, really: better security and a new housemate for yours truly. I’m sure we’ll get along great.
Well, that’s all I’ve got. Thanks for sticking around; we should do this more often. Would you mind putting the projector away? What’s that? How did I set it up in the first place? There you go again with your silly questions. I’m more interested in what you thought of those cool slide transitions I used. Weren’t they great? Where are you going?
Have comments or questions for your security door? Leave them in the comments below and if you liked this article don’t forget to share it with your friends.
Rather talk to a live person and not a door? Just open up a chat with one of our staff in the right lower corner.
Categorised in: Security Doors
This post was written by Writer